Why oh why

So then, why did I stop / pause / break / sojourn / cease / halt the posts on a blog that was yet to score posts in double digits? As is almost always the case in such matters, the blame must go to the author himself... er... moi.

To begin with, the better reason(s): I got busy with RL, as they refer to Real Life in this realer-than-real life. This is always a good thing, believe me you. It proves that you do have a life! I mean, RL caught up with me man! I got busy doing stuff in real life so much so that it didn't allow me to get onto the net, this site, this blog, and look at a hefty 60-odd comments that my last real post had quite surprisingly generated. Now that must be a kick!

Another: there is something about creating life, bringing another human into this world, that shakes your foundations. I remember the first time it made me soft on the inside for a few days. Yes, I admit it only lasted a few days, but it did bring about that change in me. There was a tenderness in approach, something I'm not very accustomed to. I was very conscious of the interactions I was having with people all around. I went out of the way to ensure I did not hurt anyone with words.

The second time around - this time - the effects were a little different. Well, the circumstances were different. The recession was raging, at its peak. People whom I'd been close to for a long time suddenly began to behave differently, or even indifferently. So when the child was born, I had the same thoughts of amazement and wonderment on this whole creation of life thing, but somehow I turned a bit of a fatalist. I think I hardened a bit on the inside this time. I did not actively spread the cheer, so to say. I only shared the news with people whom I thought cared about the news or event more than just to gossip about it.

In perspective, I learnt different aspects of life in the aftermath of two very similar events.

But then, it would be unjust to leave out other major reasons for the hiatus.

Yes, as I said, an extraordinarily large proportion of people I thought I knew well, turned. Or rather did things around me that I would not have expected them to do. No, I'm not going to name them, nor hint at those situations or happenings. Those are best left where they have been relegated.

But it is interesting to look at the results. Although this unexpected chilling of relations across the spectrum disturbed my faith in those people, it did not shake my faith overall, on life, on relationships, on expectations. I think I know the reason for that. I have always been the kind of guy who had the least of expectations from others. There was a basic set of hygiene aspects, if when disturbed, would do a binary shift in my thought process for people / events. But otherwise my favourite line always has been: You cannot fall off the floor. (Actually, that's conditional too. I mean, an earthquake could ensure that the floor you were fallen upon - heh heh - actually fell several floors; but hey, what the heck.)

For quite a while I whined about it internally. When people asked me about the changes they perceived in my outlook I gave them vague and confusing answers. Internally I looked at myself as a victim and moped about it. After a while I realised I was only making an excuse. I had always told myself I could never determine others' actions, and that I could only fashion my reactions to external circumstances. So why did I forget my own golden rules? Others may behave strangely, but they are within their rights to do so. All I had to do was to bother about how I was letting this affect me. Once this realisation dawned anew on me I was back to my usual self.

But then, this sordid, but commonplace and boring, tale does not end here. The reasons I listed above only contributed to maybe ten months of inaction. The rest of the period of slumber can be attributed to inertia. Yes, that scientific principle you never studied well enough in high school.

What's next, you ask? Probably a post on what fell through the crack. Heck, call it a (shamefaced) chasm...

Ahem...

Snore...

Wheeeee...

Snooooooooorre...

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee...

Snoooooooooooore...

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Snooo...(huh)!
(Grunt)!

Sno...(Rhubarb)!
What the...!
(Blink... blink...)

Huh? What! Where am I?

Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!

That's it! I've had it up to here with mediocrity in English usage. It is not just plain mediocrity. It's criminal failure to learn! It's carelessness towards detail. It's lack of seriousness towards self-improvement.

To this day I would go red in the face if I discovered a grammatical error in my language; any language in general, but English in particular. But then, what riles me the most is the impunity with which people around us brandish ghastly grammar! Correct them, and be prepared to be snubbed nonchalantly.

So, before I issue shoot-at-sight orders at these error-mongers, allow me to issue the final set of warnings:

I have acquired a large battle axe and have subjected its edge to laser treatment. I will be using it to lop off the little toe of the first person I spy saying the following, "Make a xerox of this..." Have you nuts never heard of photocopy? Xerox is a brand-name, for Ghostsake!!!

I will empty an entire can of pepper-spray into the good eyeball of the nincompoop that writes 'definition' as 'defination'! Allow me to be politically incorrect here. The incorrigible Gujjubhais are the prime offenders in this case. They are closely followed by the Manoos. Man! If you keep writing it this way, you would end up being called a Daffy Nation!

There is no such word as 'assurity'! Why do you use it? Simply because 'surety' and 'assured' exist does not mean you can combine the two into this non-existent word. It shall be a sledgehammer on the kneecap for you buggers!

I shall use rusted pliers to pull out the fingernails of dolts that insist on trying to smash a double sixer by saying it is 'more better'.

Tweezers shall be deployed on the testicular hair of crackpots that use double past tense, as in 'I didn't gave him.'

Those insisting on resorting to 'false bravado' shall be well rewarded for it with cold water jets into their nostrils! Brother, 'bravado' has false connotations in it already...

I shall use the giant stapler to staple your lips together if you throw your regular 'revert back' at me! This is one of the most common errors encountered in offices. 'Revert' is good enough. DO NOT use 'back' with it; that's wrong!

'One of the boy' and 'some of the girl' would be smeared with a grease gun if they did not rectify this error. When you try and pick one or a few out of many, the latter would be plural, wouldn't it?

I'm pretty sure there are scores more such errors. You are welcome to bring them along to the comments section. We can discuss other methods of torture for their perpetrators. But then, do not revert back with them; just a revert would do!

Constipated Celeb Couple

Apropos the series of Airtel TVCs (Tele-Vision Commercials, for the absolutely uneducated Neanderthals) showcasing the ostensibly in-couple Kaif and Sareena. Er... did I get that right?

First this informative ad educates the Indian public how a Voice SMS could help propagate blackmail opportunities. I kid you not! Okay wait, let me explain what happens in the ad:

Saif uses live-in partner SRK as a sounding board once too often - in the balcony, in the bath(!), in the gym - expressing his dismay at having missed the potty for the last three days. SRK is fed up of suggesting fibre to an uptight Saif and throws punches on the latter's gut, with an intention of stimulating the intestines and ending his agony. 'Must be all the Lays he keeps munching', thinks SRK. He also helpfully stores the resulting tight-arse groan as a Voice SMS and sends it to Kareena. This dame is busy expressing her disgust at Saif's choice of laxative, to the point of hating him altogether. Notice her ill-concealed glee on sensing an opportunity to blackmail Saif by with-holding her own traditional methods from him.

The next commercial tracks Kareena trying to mess with Saif, asking him if singing on the pot is helping him with his bowel movements. She's clearly unaware of Saif's changed diet which now includes two mugs of psyllium husk in water every morning. She even mimics Saif's pained grunt on the pot. Notice the 'Yaaaaaa...'

Saif is busy designing a mobile potty seat so he can do it as he races around the Nascar track in an Aveo, and hence is visibly peeved (never mind the constipated expression). He dismisses her case with words of endearment towards his now regular morning activity. The ad ends with Kareena expressing her amazement in such succinct words, 'Ho gaya?!' (Are you done?!)

All ye constipated folks! Rejoice! There's still hope. If Saif can do it, so can you...

Writer's (Starting) Block

Thar she blows ! I mean, there goes another blog. Add one more to the multitude of new blogs. And with it goes another First Post!

There is something special about the First Post. Akin to the first drive of the new car from the showroom, if you ask some; and akin to the first time you drive a car all alone, if you ask others. The former – let’s call them newcars – are those who have written before – a blog here, a set of reviews there, an article somewhere else. The latter – these would be newdrivers – are those who have never written before and look at this as an experimental venture.

If you’ve browsed enough blogs in your day – which I assume you would have, since you’re here – you would notice typical trends in either case.

Newcars know exactly what’s needed – a big bang. Something politically correct, popular, appealing to a majority of regular readers. Maybe a topical issue. Something in the news lately. Better still, maybe something with universal appeal, across time and mood. Maybe an erstwhile unpublished work the newcar takes particular pride in. Notwithstanding all the above, if the newcar fancied himself or herself as a dabbler in humour, you can bet your posterior the First Post would find a surfeit of it.

Newdrivers tread with caution. They write about their fears on starting out with a new venture like this, their motivations, their expectations. There would be an overt attempt at humility. Some of these newbies try and beseech the reader to return and check for new posts often – perhaps being totally ignorant of conveniences like RSS and Atom Feed. This kind of First Post usually concludes with any of a thousand variations of ‘let us see where this goes from here’.

And then there are those smart-alecs who, in their presumably misguided attempt to appear different from the others, sit and pontificate on others’ First Posts and go for the avuncular and – dare I say – condescending masterstroke of beginning with a commentary on First Posts!