Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!

That's it! I've had it up to here with mediocrity in English usage. It is not just plain mediocrity. It's criminal failure to learn! It's carelessness towards detail. It's lack of seriousness towards self-improvement.

To this day I would go red in the face if I discovered a grammatical error in my language; any language in general, but English in particular. But then, what riles me the most is the impunity with which people around us brandish ghastly grammar! Correct them, and be prepared to be snubbed nonchalantly.

So, before I issue shoot-at-sight orders at these error-mongers, allow me to issue the final set of warnings:

I have acquired a large battle axe and have subjected its edge to laser treatment. I will be using it to lop off the little toe of the first person I spy saying the following, "Make a xerox of this..." Have you nuts never heard of photocopy? Xerox is a brand-name, for Ghostsake!!!

I will empty an entire can of pepper-spray into the good eyeball of the nincompoop that writes 'definition' as 'defination'! Allow me to be politically incorrect here. The incorrigible Gujjubhais are the prime offenders in this case. They are closely followed by the Manoos. Man! If you keep writing it this way, you would end up being called a Daffy Nation!

There is no such word as 'assurity'! Why do you use it? Simply because 'surety' and 'assured' exist does not mean you can combine the two into this non-existent word. It shall be a sledgehammer on the kneecap for you buggers!

I shall use rusted pliers to pull out the fingernails of dolts that insist on trying to smash a double sixer by saying it is 'more better'.

Tweezers shall be deployed on the testicular hair of crackpots that use double past tense, as in 'I didn't gave him.'

Those insisting on resorting to 'false bravado' shall be well rewarded for it with cold water jets into their nostrils! Brother, 'bravado' has false connotations in it already...

I shall use the giant stapler to staple your lips together if you throw your regular 'revert back' at me! This is one of the most common errors encountered in offices. 'Revert' is good enough. DO NOT use 'back' with it; that's wrong!

'One of the boy' and 'some of the girl' would be smeared with a grease gun if they did not rectify this error. When you try and pick one or a few out of many, the latter would be plural, wouldn't it?

I'm pretty sure there are scores more such errors. You are welcome to bring them along to the comments section. We can discuss other methods of torture for their perpetrators. But then, do not revert back with them; just a revert would do!

Constipated Celeb Couple

Apropos the series of Airtel TVCs (Tele-Vision Commercials, for the absolutely uneducated Neanderthals) showcasing the ostensibly in-couple Kaif and Sareena. Er... did I get that right?

First this informative ad educates the Indian public how a Voice SMS could help propagate blackmail opportunities. I kid you not! Okay wait, let me explain what happens in the ad:

Saif uses live-in partner SRK as a sounding board once too often - in the balcony, in the bath(!), in the gym - expressing his dismay at having missed the potty for the last three days. SRK is fed up of suggesting fibre to an uptight Saif and throws punches on the latter's gut, with an intention of stimulating the intestines and ending his agony. 'Must be all the Lays he keeps munching', thinks SRK. He also helpfully stores the resulting tight-arse groan as a Voice SMS and sends it to Kareena. This dame is busy expressing her disgust at Saif's choice of laxative, to the point of hating him altogether. Notice her ill-concealed glee on sensing an opportunity to blackmail Saif by with-holding her own traditional methods from him.

The next commercial tracks Kareena trying to mess with Saif, asking him if singing on the pot is helping him with his bowel movements. She's clearly unaware of Saif's changed diet which now includes two mugs of psyllium husk in water every morning. She even mimics Saif's pained grunt on the pot. Notice the 'Yaaaaaa...'

Saif is busy designing a mobile potty seat so he can do it as he races around the Nascar track in an Aveo, and hence is visibly peeved (never mind the constipated expression). He dismisses her case with words of endearment towards his now regular morning activity. The ad ends with Kareena expressing her amazement in such succinct words, 'Ho gaya?!' (Are you done?!)

All ye constipated folks! Rejoice! There's still hope. If Saif can do it, so can you...