Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!

That's it! I've had it up to here with mediocrity in English usage. It is not just plain mediocrity. It's criminal failure to learn! It's carelessness towards detail. It's lack of seriousness towards self-improvement.

To this day I would go red in the face if I discovered a grammatical error in my language; any language in general, but English in particular. But then, what riles me the most is the impunity with which people around us brandish ghastly grammar! Correct them, and be prepared to be snubbed nonchalantly.

So, before I issue shoot-at-sight orders at these error-mongers, allow me to issue the final set of warnings:

I have acquired a large battle axe and have subjected its edge to laser treatment. I will be using it to lop off the little toe of the first person I spy saying the following, "Make a xerox of this..." Have you nuts never heard of photocopy? Xerox is a brand-name, for Ghostsake!!!



I will empty an entire can of pepper-spray into the good eyeball of the nincompoop that writes 'definition' as 'defination'! Allow me to be politically incorrect here. The incorrigible Gujjubhais are the prime offenders in this case. They are closely followed by the Manoos. Man! If you keep writing it this way, you would end up being called a Daffy Nation!


There is no such word as 'assurity'! Why do you use it? Simply because 'surety' and 'assured' exist does not mean you can combine the two into this non-existent word. It shall be a sledgehammer on the kneecap for you buggers!

I shall use rusted pliers to pull out the fingernails of dolts that insist on trying to smash a double sixer by saying it is 'more better'.





Tweezers shall be deployed on the testicular hair of crackpots that use double past tense, as in 'I didn't gave him.'




Those insisting on resorting to 'false bravado' shall be well rewarded for it with cold water jets into their nostrils! Brother, 'bravado' has false connotations in it already...




I shall use the giant stapler to staple your lips together if you throw your regular 'revert back' at me! This is one of the most common errors encountered in offices. 'Revert' is good enough. DO NOT use 'back' with it; that's wrong!


'One of the boy' and 'some of the girl' would be smeared with a grease gun if they did not rectify this error. When you try and pick one or a few out of many, the latter would be plural, wouldn't it?




I'm pretty sure there are scores more such errors. You are welcome to bring them along to the comments section. We can discuss other methods of torture for their perpetrators. But then, do not revert back with them; just a revert would do!

65 comments:

  1. that was a funny post!
    I too cringe when the language is murdered time and time again. Some people use sentences like "Where is the stapler at?"

    Others use double negatives (mostly on MTV) to sound cool. These buggers should be frozen to death!

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  2. @ eisi: Ha ha! Good one - those trying to sound cool should be frozen to death!

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  3. lol :D

    I'll have to be extra extra extra careful with my english here, am known to make grammatical errors :D

    In Mah. I have heard maximum people saying "Excuse" I dunno where the me has gone...it always is Excuse :D

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  4. Following's not my thing....but still...

    *mumble*

    'Ghostsake'? ghost sake!!!

    *mumble* (your turn to)

    Question: How would you pronounce 'conscience'?
    Heard Prasoon Joshi say 'con' 'science', as in science of the con, or fraudulent science, or something like that!! Any punishments??

    Will be mumbling in now and then...:)


    PS: nice post!

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  5. I am indifferent to such errors EXCEPT the one where you are ready to deploy the tweezers on testicular hair. I DID CAME! I DID NOT WENT! DID YOU SAW? DIDN'T HE WROTE? to mention few I come/came across

    Why only this? Because of all the errors you mentioned people make, this in particular is the one most often made. And by almost 50% of the living human population.

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  6. @ Smita: Aaaaaaargh! Attack! There's another grammatical error!!! You used the word 'extra' three times together! ;) :D Okay, calm down. Just kidding. So what do you do to people who use 'Excuse' without the 'Me'? I know... you excuse them! :D

    @ Mumble: Somehow it makes me happy Prasoon only writes Hindi lyrics.

    @ Vee: Oh, so you 'did came' across such errors, now did you? :D But I thought 'xerox' and 'revert back' were more widespread viruses...

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  7. :D :D :D

    See I laughed thrice now don't find a grammatical error in that :P

    Sigh!! I do excuse them :-)

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  8. @ Smita: Makes me wonder... is it even possible to consider a grammatically correct laugh? What kind of punctuation marks would accompany it? :D

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  9. hello!!

    ur tagged in this post....

    http://eye-in-sty-in.blogspot.com/2009/02/unveiling-and-reply-to-tag.html

    ReplyDelete
  10. Usage of double past tense irks me the most.
    Not to forget the bad pronounciation and the put on accent!! Otherwise I'm quite accomodating.

    Do we need to be extra careful with our language when we comment here?:D

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  11. Angrezi shouldn't be confused with English.

    Click for examples- http://desicompunny.wordpress.com/2009/02/09/corporate-angrezi/

    Cheers!
    ~uh~

    ReplyDelete
  12. @ Eisi: I've responded to this in your post...

    @ Shayari: :D That depends on which of the mentioned punishments you believe you could endure!

    @ udtahaathi: Now that looks interesting! What is that blog? A contributory forum for friends working at the same place?

    ReplyDelete
  13. What kind of people do you live among man! Though bosses use 'revert back' a lot, can I guide you with your lethal instruments towards them? I shall be eternally grateful.

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  14. @ avdi: Er... just the regular kind! Your bosses would be situated in the Punjabi heartland, right? May I suggest a sound-seeking cruise missile that detonates on detecting poor language?! :D

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  15. No No ! That sounds tempting, but it might zero in on innocent users and wipe out the entire state of punjab.

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  16. Nah, its just a group blog about Nonsense.
    Another contextual link on Desi Angrezi- http://desicompunny.wordpress.com/2009/03/03/apology-letter/
    ~uh~

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  17. We all have heard them and seen them too. The 'Kodak' shop near my office has this very huge banner that reads, "1-one minute poseport photos taken here." I pass it by everyday and the day is not far off when I correct it with a can of spray paint.

    And a few people, who've had 'convent' education btw, can't use "on" and "in" correctly. Even to save their lives. They come 'in' their bikes and carry books 'on' their bags.

    And some people just have the habit of 'forgotting' tenses.

    And some are just ignorant. Here's a real story:

    Once in my English class, my plump English teacher asked a student for the 'defination' of Subterfuge in her overtly fake Brit accent.

    The poor bloke, at whom the question was shot, blinked blankly. Hailing from the holy town of Kancheepuram and having studied in a Tamil medium school all his life and Titanic being the only English movie that he had watched, he heard it as 'Saptafyooj'. And replied, "Seven fyoojes, ma'am."

    Btw, Intense, read "Eats Shoots and Leaves."

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ah, more!

    I had this Geography ma'am who got really pissed with us once and shouted, "If you talk, I'll be kicked out of the class!" And she also ate 'chalk-piece' powder.

    And has any one noticed the fact that Mathematics teachers can't speak English for nuts? I was under the impression, "One One Jar One, Two Two Jar Four, Three Three Jar Nine..."

    And my Corporate Communication Professor once begged us to avoid sending 'sperms' to his e-mail id.

    And I was stuck with a 'tight-lisped' Phonetics lecturer.

    I miss college!! :(

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  19. My trainer (C#, not gym) says, and writes, 'defination' all the time. And I can't even smile, much less laugh; being the only student in the class. mumble! mumble! mumble!

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  20. ur tagged here!
    http://eye-in-sty-in.blogspot.com/2009/03/100-things-about-me-well-almost.html

    ReplyDelete
  21. took a while to comment on this one.

    Place where we stay has tradition to use this kind of language with pride. Anybody using/speaking correct English is frowned at....95% hoardings, 90% banners, 85% of shop names and around 40% paper advertisements will conveniently have these errors.....to share a few....

    very reputed school (having IGCSE and ICSE curriculum) published ad on the front page of DNA for the admissions for 2009-10 classes that said "admission open now for pre-primary section 'onwords'....."

    a multi-brand outlet of electronics had a huge pop-up that said '100% lone, fast peperworks, home deliveri' (i guess that was for purchase of TV sets....)

    not to forget the roadside ad paintings for all the 'movers & pekers'

    but nothing can beat the one mentioned by you FP, sending 'sperms' on e-mail.....i am still rolling.

    cheers....

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  22. Testicular hair?? staple th elips?? woah..ur a Nazi born.

    And..yep ur rite.. I agree with u on most of the things..not all, though.
    Btw..can u revert BACK to me?

    :-)

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  50. Joy often comes after sorrow, like morning after night.. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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  51. 65 comments!!!

    Whoa there! That's overwhelming and all that...

    But sorry! I'll have to delete every comment that is not in a language I understand. Not much of a choice there buddies. I don't even know if a bunch of terrorists are using the comments section of my innocuous blog to plan the next attack in code language!!!

    If you have genuinely put in a comment there and believe you can translate that into English, ping me and I shall be happy to host your (translated) comment. Thanks...

    ReplyDelete